A Most Unspirited Sue

What does 'Qati' mean, exactly? Is that Japanese or just a randomly typed word?

Fri, 06 Feb 2004 17:21:29 GMT

Story or Series Title: Spirited Afar
Fandom: Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi/Spirited Away
~~Culprit~~ Author's Name: Arika Phantomess
Summary: Finished! Spirited Away with my own two characters. Yes, I know this is a self- insertion, but these are my specialty. Please Review.

Insert snarky comment of choice.

Full Name (plus titles if any): Tokonoma Ogino; Qati at Aburaya
Full Species(es): Older Sister Clone-Sue
Hair Color (include adjectives): Black
Eye Color (include adjectives): Not described
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Not described
Special Possessions (if any): "...a single rose, from a boyfriend I didn't really like and was more than happy to have dumped on account of moving away from town, and she was complaining about squashing her bouquet. He had been nice though, there were times when I almost liked him, and he was rich and bought me anything that had to do with roses and was silver, like the dangly- earrings, necklace, the rings, toe ring, the post- earrings, clothes, watch, scrunchie, comb, high- heels and diary. I was wearing the first pair of dangly- earrings, heels, a skirt and blouse from the clothes pile, necklace, rings, watch and the scrunchie. The diary fit into the belt I wore, and the comb was in a small, water- proof pouch, along with my money, at my side. The blouse was a red peasant- blouse, the skirt matched as well as the high- heel- sandals. I even painted my nails red. Everything was well worn, and cotton, and the heels weren't high at all..." Like - we - care. Also, she has her very own boyfriend in the spirit world: Hishen/Mashento, a tree phoenix. What the hell? Granted, I'm an ignorant Westerner, but I'm pretty sure that doesn't work out in Asian mythology.

Annoying Origin: She and Chihiro both cross over into Aburaya; after going through the exact same sequence of events that Chihiro went through, only Tokonoma has a sexay phoenix boy help her (after which they stare with great desire at one another, provoking me into beating my head against the table).
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Chihiro's older, beautiful, attractive older sister.
Annoying Special Abilities: She can do everything Chihiro does, and proceeds to do so. Her only saving grace is that she doesn't steal Chihiro's role - she just copies it. (Well, until they get to Zeniba's, when Tokonoma seems to be more important.) I feel lenient just because she didn't attempt to seduce Haku.
Other Annoying Traits: She's not just content with being Chihiro's sister, she also has to rip-off Chihiro's bond with Haku and have a desperate childhood love for Hishen/Mashento.

Love - of God. Pun not intended.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

We stood, gazing into each other's eyes for a long time, I can't remember how long. I only remember wanting to fall into his arms, and never let go. In his eyes, I could see my own face, I could see warmth, I could see secrets he couldn't share, I could see a kind of hunger for acceptance, I could see want, need, love, passion, anger, everything.

My practical mind brought me back to the present. "My head rules my heart, for now.' I closed my eyes, and shook my head, dropping his hands as I did so.

"My sister, have you seen her? Why can't I get back? Where am I? Have you seen my parents?" I shot. I wanted to know everything about this strange place. At that moment, and loud 'Thump' broke the silence. I spun on my heels.

A boat, large and lighted, had docked, and was letting passengers off, but all I could see were floating masks. Until the strange people set foot on ground, that is. Their forms seemed to melt into existence. Other forms followed, of all sizes. I reluctantly turned my back on the awesome sight.

"My sister? What of her?" I re-asked. She was most important at the moment I felt. He turned his eyes down.

"I have not seen her. I am sorry. About your parents, I can't show you them now, but you will see them soon. As for where we are, I can't exactly tell you, but you are alive and you shouldn't be here." He broke off, staring up.

"Get down!" He barked. I dropped to my knees and huddled. He knelt as well; placing his legs on the outside of mine, and clutched me to him. As he watched, and I, too, he saw a bird circling high above us, casting a shadow near his foot. I shuddered and burrowed deeper into him, listening to his heart with closed eyes. He watched it disappear, and drew me up as he stood.

"That bird was looking for your sister, more than for you. This may be a good sign, but I can't be sure," he explained with an air of patience. "Follow me." I followed without question.

He took me up the stairs and though a gate to the bridge.

"While we walk the bridge, you must not breathe. I put a spell on you, and if you breathe the smallest breath, the spell will break," he said.

"I won't," I promised.

"Now take a breath," he said as we approached, "and hold it!" He set the pace at a quick walk, so to make it easier for me. The planks creaked under our feet.

I reached to scratch my back and my movement brought a hard point to my side and I startled, shaking to the side. Unthinking, I put my hand to the point and found it was bigger than just a point; it was a small bit longer than my hand and not much wider and also had the shape of a rectangle. I discovered that it moved from the place I tied my belt in the morning, so I brought it out and gazed upon the cover of my diary. In disbelief I wondered how it had not been taken, but supposed that I had put it back on after changing. I flipped open the covers and gazed at the pages of my life.

"November 20- Hiroko teased me about my hair again, I nearly socked her, but a teacher came by and I couldn't.

"November 25- Hiroko is going to get it one of these days, she's just unbearable. She was poking Milata with a stick and calling her fat, which she is but it's not polite to do so anyway, and poor Milata was crying buckets. I felt so bad for her.

"January 3- I don't think I've ever been so happy to be back from break. Hiroko Nikoto is no positive thing, but at least I haven't any classes with her this semester. I hate Mr. Tanglinto, but he is fair. Let's face it; math is not my greatest subject anyway.

"January 17- So sorry I haven't written in a week but I've found the perfect revenge for the latest trick of Hiroko. I gat a friend to listen to some of what she says and I know that Lang is her secret boyfriend! Her parents can't know, so she can't say anything for fear that someone will tell them because she's made herself tons on enemies. Ooh, this will be good.

"January 29- Well, it went okay, but I didn't expect it to go this far. I was casually flirting with Lang, and you should have seen her face, I thought she was going to fight me for a while. Lang even flirted back a bit. That was days ago and I've been trying to get more intimate and he took the bait, not Hiroko. She was furious anyway. Anyway the next day he broke up with her! Imagine that! I didn't think I was that good of an actress. Anyway, the next day, again, he asked me out! I knew I could not say 'no' because then it would be apparent to everyone that I had been lying, so what could I say but 'yes'? So now I have a boyfriend I don't want, and enemy I don't need and a future that can't be good."

I was horrified; I went out with him for two years to get revenge on a girl! I felt sick. I had broken up an average couple that might have even worked out and just for revenge on pranks! Lang had been misled, Hiroko had been hurt and not to mention myself who never really got out of it. I was shamed. Why did I do it? I could have borne it; pranks and tricks are mere annoyances in life. To add, I was always mean to Sen just to bring attention to myself, I shouldn't have done that either.

Tears fell from my cheeks like the rain of last night. I was a monster.

What, am I supposed to pity you or something?

"I remember, a long time ago, maybe a few years... but I remember in our old home we always had a plant of some kind. One time, Mom bought a dwarf tree and put it in my room. I thought it looked so cute, I just loved trees. Well, Mom and Dad thought that was just great, so they decided to take me to the park; it was just down the road. I was of course clueless, but thrilled." Hishen was listening intently now. "When we got there, I immediately ran up to the biggest tree there and climbed it. We stayed there all afternoon, until it started raining, that is."

I was going to continue, but Hishen took a steep dive and I hadn't the stomach to continue just then. He landed in a tree, very close to the bath house and let me off on a wide limb. He reverted back to human almost without my notice.

"I'm sorry," he said, "What were you saying about the tree?"

I took a second to recall, "Oh, yes. My parents didn't know it was really raining until it really started coming down in sheets; it was that fast. I was in the tree, oblivious, and still climbing higher. It was only when I heard thunder that I began to worry, and cry. My parents were desperate, neither of them could climb trees, and I couldn't climb down. They started calling for help, but the lightning was getting closer and closer every strike." Hishen had a faraway look on his handsome features, I thought he was listening but I couldn't really be sure. If he was, I continued, "I was terrified, of course, and I could see the lightning through the branches and leaves. There was nothing I could really do; I felt terrible. I remember that I hugged the trunk of the tree... and I spoke to it... I begged it to help me and spare my life." I paused, trying hard to remember what had happened. "I... well... I don't remember what happened, but my parents told me. Apparently the tree had been struck be lightning with me still in it. When the fire department arrived, they found me held in a branch that was furthest from the ground, and away from the trunk. I was always convinced that that tree had saved my life."

Hishen looked at me, "Did the tree have a name, by any chance?"

"Well...," something snapped into place in my mind, "Yes, it did! It was called the Mashento Tree!"

Hishen's eyes widened and he fell from the tree in a shower of sparkles. Never mind the glitter; I was sliding down the tree to him. He lay spread- eagle in the ankle- deep water. I put my hands on his chest, hoping to rouse him, but he sat up, ramrod straight, and hit his head against mine, on accident I hoped. Shocked, I fell back into the water and watched him stand and look himself over. He turned back to me and spread his arms wide, as if to present himself to me. "I'm free! My name is the Spirit of the Mashento Tree! I came here when my tree died from that lightning and I forgot my name when I got work from Yubaba!" He knelt in front of me, clutching me to him on an impulse. I was shocked and almost didn't know what to do; luckily I regained my sense after what felt like and hour but was only a few short seconds and put my arms around him. "You saved me," he said softly in my ear.

I flushed, "You have saved me many times if only once."

"I owe more to you than anyone else. Qati..."

I cut him off before he said anything to 'Qati' and not to who I was. I held him back at arms length, looking into his grey eyes. "My name is Tokonoma."

"Tokonoma," he said. "I love you, Tokonoma."

The grammar and spelling are both very, very good - but c'mon. Even the author says this is a self-insert, and it's not like she did anything to try and hide it.

EDIT: Can't believe I forgot this - Tokonoma's nickname for Chihiro is Chichi. I'm sure that was a stroke of brilliance.

Godawful Fanfic Rating: 4/6

twitch

Thu, 05 Feb 2004 20:04:45 GMT

This one is really nothing more than a very short first chapter, so I feel a bit guilty. Well, until I reread the part where Haku is Satan.

Story or Series Title: A Fallen Angel's Fate, Destiny, And Desire
Fandom: Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi/Spirited Away
~~Culprit~~ Author's Name: Rain Spirit
Summary: A Devil and a Fallen-Angel meets, what will happen? PLEASE R&R Overlooking the grammatical typo, knowing this genre I'd have to say 'horrific kinky evil sex' is what will happen.

Full Name (plus titles if any): Master Haku, Ruler of Hell. Please, feel free to do a spit-take right about now.
Full Species(es): Demonic Bastard "Canon" Stu
Hair Color (include adjectives): "...dark green hair down to his shoulder..."
Eye Color (include adjectives): "...same eye colour [as his hair]..."
Unusual Markings/Colorations: "...the perfect face of a devil, cold yet handsome in a way..." Is this the same Haku here?
Special Possessions (if any): All of the underworld, including Fallen-Angels, evil souls, and the futile tears of my faith in fanfiction.

Annoying Origin: He's Satan. Just - it's Haku. I can't be the only who finds it simultaneously hilarious and deeply depressing that the writer can equate Haku to Lucifer.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Supposedly an 'AU' Haku. Will shack up with a Fallen-Angel Chihiro who, apparently, was flirting (unintentionally) with a prince in heaven. Chihiro was flirting with Jesus? I feel sacrilegious.
Annoying Special Abilities: To be a sophisticated evil bastard, and yet be torn by the incredible beauty that Chihiro possesses. Will someone reference these writers to theboyharuka's excellent bit on Haku, Chihiro, and beautiful women? It's here.
Other Annoying Traits: He's teh ebil!

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

'So you are the Fallen-Angel?'

'Yes, Master Haku'

'Lift your head.'

'Yes, Master Haku.'

The Fallen-Angel lifted her head. Haku was stunned. She was not like any girl she had seen in Hell. She looked pale, but her brown eyes showed the happy and sad feeling mixed under her eyes. Her dark brown hair tied into a bun behind her head, exposing her long, white neck.

'What is your name?' Haku asked roughly.

'Chihiro, Master Haku.'

'Why have you.'

Before Haku can ask her what had happened, Chihiro collapsed onto the floor. Haku gently lifted her from the floor and put her onto the bed. It was now that he noticed all the bruises and cuts she had all over her body. He called in the doctor immediately to heal her wounds.

Haku didn't know why he cared for this Fallen-Angel so much; it was like she had captured his soul the moment her eyes stared right into his. He was enchanted and pulled deeply into her; he knew he needed to keep her beside him, to protect her. No matter what, he decided, she was his.

The disclaimer:
All the characters in Spirited Away do not belong to me. I'm simply using them to create my stories (cause I'm too lazy to think of names)

This is fanfiction! Don't bastardize the characters because you can't think of original names for your own characters; that's incredibly rude.

This has been covered elsewhere by people far more esteemable than me, but what the heck are you doing writing an alternate universe with the characters knowingly OUT of character? Just stop. Leave the fandom alone and go write your own fiction.

This fic annoyed the hell out of me. Haku and Chihiro are both dangerously out of character, the sentences read rather awkwardly in many places, the plot is both cliché and apparently "inspired" by a novel she read a few months ago, and sweet jumpin' jelly beans, what in God's name inspired her to have Haku be SATAN?

Godawful Fanfic Rating: 4/6

Fly, Haku! Fly away!

Wed, 04 Feb 2004 21:20:03 GMT

Again with the 'angsty goth-ness is cool'? Geez.

Story or Series Title: My Midnight Sanctuary
Fandom: Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi/Spirited Away
~~Culprit~~ Author's Name: Azriel Dragonstar
Summary: Rating may change. Haku struggles to unravel the mystery of the new girl who seems a reflection of his life before! SUSPENSE! HORROR! INTRIGUE! ROMANCE! Applaud my originality. H/OC, C/OC.

Good Lord.

Full Name (plus titles if any): Iro (Aburaya name)
Full Species(es): Snarky Just-Like-You Sue
Hair Color (include adjectives): "She had medium-length obsidian black hair, a bit longer than his, and it was pulled back into a loose ponytail..." As an Elemental Dragon, "...[t]he fluffy hair that ran along the middle of its back from head to tail was jet black and silky..."
Eye Color (include adjectives): "Her eyes were green as well--lime green, not that ridiculous florescent hue that humans had come up with, but the blackish green that real limes are..." As an Elemental Dragon, black-green.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: None described, though as a dragon she has "...scales...[that are] bright green with a tint of gold..."
Special Possessions (if any): The same rank as Haku, even though she has just arrived (and has apparently pissed Yubaba off).

Annoying Origin: We don't know, because she's a mystery! Apparently, though, she's someone from Haku's past that he cannot recall, and has some sort of leverage over Yubaba. Because, y'know, it wasn't like Chihiro was important or anything.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Haku's love interest and, as previously mentioned, she has something over Yubaba.
Annoying Special Abilities: The ability to bitch out Haku (or, considering how he acts in this fic, out bitch him), push him around, and then seduce him as a dragon.
Other Annoying Traits: She's mysterious! And beautiful! And bitchy! She's so kewl! (My sincerest apologies to Impulse for the snarky usage of his word.)

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

She seemed about his age--that is to say, appearing 14 or so in human terms, but more likely around a couple of centuries old. She was very pretty, as all Guardians were, but there was nothing particularly special about her. So why couldn't Haku tear his eyes away from hers?

All of a sudden Iro faced him. "Is there a reason why you're staring at me?"

Her voice startled Haku. It was cold and disdainful, not like the simple way she had stated her new name. He masked his surprise and embarrassment with an equally aloof shrug.

"I'm simply getting an idea of my new partner."

"I'm not your partner," Iro hissed, her strange eyes flashing. "I merely share your rank. That does not mean that I'm obligated to make friends you in any way."

Haku stared at her with one raised eyebrow. "I have no problem with that in the least."

"Good," Iro snorted. She pulled the lever to stop the elevator. "Leave me alone; I can find my own way." The doors opened and she left with a toss of her hair and not a single backward glance.

Haku glared after her with contempt. What a bad-tempered little brat she was! But inside, e felt a little uneasy. For some reason, seeing Iro like that didn't fit her at all. He didn't understand this impression, because he had never met her before, and for all he knew she could easily be worse. But he still thought that it seemed unnatural, and he knew that he was disappointed at being treated so by the girl with the lovely green eyes.

He wondered what her real name was.

Whimpering painfully, Haku was massaging his aching ears before he noticed that the new girl was starting to disappear into the crowd. He jumped forward and grabbed hold of her arm. He had to know, because it was just so crazy! He knew he wasn't wrong. . .right?

"What are you doing? Let go of me, you jerk!" Iro snapped, squirming wildly in an attempt to escape. But Haku's grip remained fast. He saw her strange eyes grow wide as he pulled her around to face him.

"Wait, Iro! Just one more question," Haku said quickly. "Just give me an answer and then I'll leave you alone, all right? Please."

The black-green eyes narrowed as if to launch another insult at him, but then Iro seemed to reconsider. Her expression became less aggressive, and she stopped struggling. "Well. . .make it quick, then."

"Thank you," Haku nodded graciously. "Iro. . ." --he was going to come right out with it-- ". . .are you an Elemental Dragon?"

Iro stared at him, her mouth slightly open. She seemed surprised at first. . .however, her eyes almost instantly hardened to two unfeeling pieces of dark lime rock. "If it's all the same to you, I don't remember, all right?" she growled fiercely.

"What?" Haku was stunned. He watched her for signs of deceit. "How can you not remember your own natural birth?"

"You said only one question!" Iro snarled, wrenching her arm away from Haku's grip. Although she was several inches shorter and thinner than he was, Haku couldn't help but step backward from this threatening entity. "Besides, it doesn't matter anyway, not anymore!" Iro's lips curved in a tiny smirk. "Because. . .now that I am Yubaaba's apprentice. . .I will gain all the power that I could ever dream of!"

Haku gasped. //Yubaaba's apprentice?!//

Yeah, that was about my reaction, only with more eye-rolling.

Grammar and spelling are admirable, and Haku's characterization wasn't terrible, just exasperating. Really, Iro needs to be slapped a few times: she's whiny, bratty, angsty, and an overall annoyance. The majority of my friends are either goths or nerds, and I can assure you, Miss 'Dragonstar,' that none of them act like these whiny, aggravating bastardizations of social identity.

Not to mention she's not content with replacing Chihiro, she apparently also has to replace Haku in the Aburaya heirarchy.

But if Haku isn't Yubaba's apprentice anymore -- run, Haku! Be free, little rivergod!

Godawful Fanfic Rating: 3/6

Baby Cthulhu weeps for decent literature.

Tue, 03 Feb 2004 18:10:37 GMT

I'm sixteen and I've never been half as bitchy as this girl is in four short paragraphs.

Story or Series Title: Spirited Away: Trials
Fandom: Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi/Spirited Away
~~Culprit~~ Author's Name: kossmoe
Summary: CH 3+4 UP!! Chihiro committed suicide in the Ohaku river to be with Haku forever. However, a dark creature counteracts that, and holds Chihiro prisoner. With her parents captured as well, the only hope for the family is Chihiro's younger sister, Kiutsu.

Full Name (plus titles if any): Kiutsu Ogino
Full Species(es): Younger Sibling Hero Sue
Hair Color (include adjectives): Not described (heavily implied through dialogue that it looks like Chihiro's)
Eye Color (include adjectives): Not described (see above)
Unusual Markings/Colorations: She has porcelain skin. What the hell? Again, has anyone here seen anything that could be consider 'porcelain skin' in the Ogino family?
Special Possessions (if any): An "iced-nitrogen heart" and her very own dragon-boy.

Annoying Origin: She's Chihiro's eleven-year old sister, who acts like an immensely selfish teenager. She angsts, contemplates suicide, and somehow manages to get into Aburaya by tripping while crossing a river. It's a stream. Know the difference.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Chihiro's younger sister. Aw, look Kiutsu, you made Baby Cthulhu cry again.
Annoying Special Abilities: To angst, change dispositions in a heartbeat, angst, be moody, angst, and do everything Chihiro did. "But it's original 'cause it's an original character!" No, she's doing everything Chihiro did. That is not original.
Other Annoying Traits: She's so brilliantly sarcastic and witty!

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

Kiutsu Ogino was in the gloomiest of her moods, at the funeral of her older sister, two days after she was found drowned in a nearby river. Kiutsu was in a dark stance; black shadows fell where her eyes should have been from how she had her head bowed in frightful stance.

Kiutsu was never truly close to her sister, as Chihiro seemed to be somewhere else all of her life. Kiutsu was only eleven, but she knew-or perhaps sensed-that there was something wrong with Chihiro from the moment she was able to comprehend.

Her hard gaze feathered out, and eventually landed on the casket. It was about to be lowered into the grave by which she stood. The grave was deep, and Kiutsu's fear of heights gripped her as she looked down into the chasm. She felt like shouting.

Somebody rip my heart out. Just leave me here to bleed to death.

I'd love to but the damn fic won't let me.

Her eyes wandered back towards the casket, it was a closed funeral. Her parents wouldn't let her see the body, and she figured that being in the water for the amount of time it was would have made the body bloated and not very pleasant looking. They said there was a sort of incomplete look to it, like something was missing. Kiutsu wondered what they really meant.

Drowning. What a horrible death.

As thoughts whirled around her head at light speed, soon the funeral was over. It seemed late in the afternoon, perhaps around five or so. Her parents lingered, staring down at the fresh grave with blank looks on their faces. Finally, her mother fell to her knees and broke down sobbing uncontrollably. Her father calmed her, but did not try to stop her from grieving.

Kiutsu watched with her heart in her mouth as a silent tear fell down from her father's face, landing on the freshly dug grave. Kiutsu half-expected that tear to break some horrible spell, and Chihiro would be back, alive.and they'd be together again. like in a fairy tale.

But Kiutsu knew.life was no fairy tale.

Kiutsu felt a warm, stray, single tear slide down her cheek, and she sniffled. Her face was hot, and she rarely showed emotion. But she was crying, even if only slightly. Her face was like porcelin and her usually iced-nitrogen heart was shattered, as the jagged parts of ice dug into her internally, slashing her open.

"AH CRAP!" Kiutsu swore into her sweatshirt, to lower the volume on the scream. Tai looked at her with the weirdest expression on his face.

"What the . . . what was that scream for?" He looked back at the path as a ghost looking thing passed by, and ducked down into the shrubbery to speak to the lost girl.

"Grr . . . look at me! I'm like disintegrating!" Kiutsu started to panic; looking through her hands wasn't one of her day-to-day experiences. She noticed as parts of her began to become transparent, like someone was trying to fade her out like a picture on Photoshop.

"Oh . . . uh oh . . . what was it my brother gave me for this sort of material . . ." Tai frowned and dug around in the pocket of his jacket, with a Nike symbol on it, a symbol of America. Kiutsu didn't notice that the Japanese boy was wearing American clothes, because she was in a much more important predicament.

Tai then pulled out a tiny, pea-pod like fruit, and inspected it for a moment then thrust it out towards Kiutsu.

"Nu! I'm not eating that! It's black for heaven's sake!" Kiutsu whimpered, resisting the fruit.

"Geez . . . you have to eat fruit from this world I believe . . . you do know you're in a different world?"

"Well, I--" Kiutsu was interrupted briefly while she tenderly bit at the fruit, and chewed and swallowed. It wasn't good, but it wasn't bad. It was somewhat of a mild taste, but didn't taste like anything she had ever eaten before. "No, I didn't know I was in another world," She cleared her throat. "Oh . . . alright! I think we've got it licked! Like your sister, you just stumbled into here by accident, not knowing it was here?" Tai inquired, shooting off questions at Kiutsu that made her feel like she was in the middle of a Spanish inquisition.

" . . . err . . . you're going too fast here . . ." Kiutsu swallowed the rest of the fruit, attempting not to gag on the sour, putrid taste of the middle of the fruit.

"Hey! Look, the fruit is working!" Tai was the first to notice that Kiutsu was beginning to fade back in. Kiutsu noticed for herself this fact, and began to celebrate.

The grammar and spelling are rather good, I'll certainly (and happily) admit that. The problem is that while I think the basic concept had merit, it didn't turn out terribly good, in large part because of the annoyance that is Kiutsu and the lack of any focus on the basic concept. The entire fic - except for two small parts - is centered around Kiutsu and her (remarkably familiar) adventure to Aburaya. That she even has her own dragon boy is the kicker, though he has no personality outside of Helpful Guy.

I feel bad for Tai.

The writer states that this is sixteen years after Chihiro was at Aburaya, but her death (according to the fic) is in 2014; considering SA takes place in 2001, that would be thirteen years. Meh? But I'm nitpicking.

Godawful Fanfic Rating: 4/6

OMG shez soo0o punk!!!1!!

Mon, 02 Feb 2004 23:20:03 GMT

Not a single comment last time? Work up some outrage, people. ;]

Oh hell. Not another punk fic. Though I am, indeed, a geek, I think I can safely say real punks - and goths - would be offended by this sort of horrible misrepresentation.

Story or Series Title: A Punk and the Shy
Fandom: Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi/Spirited Away
~~Culprit~~ Author's Name: kawaiilillaznkitsune
Summary: Loranne and her family come to the spirit world. Parents truned into pigs, how will they survive? And what if Loranne runs away for awhile only to come back with Chihiro? I cannot stress how much I LOATHE fics that recycle the canon in an attempt to appeal to readers. Please, just try for originality.

Full Name (plus titles if any): Loranne (no idea what purpose Monique has)
Full Species(es): Soft-Hearted Punk Sue/Replacement Sue
Hair Color (include adjectives): Short hair
Eye Color (include adjectives): Not described
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Not described
Special Possessions (if any): A mini-stereo, a hoodie, and kewl new Aburaya name!!

She's so punk!

Annoying Origin: Loranne is not only a thirteen-year old American punk, she and her family just happen to be touring in Japan and, via a picnic table with burgers on it, cross into the spirit world. Shoot me now.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Irritates Yubaba with Good Charlotte music, befriends poor lonely Haku, and strives to bring Chihiro and Haku back together isn't it sweet?
Annoying Special Abilities: Does everything Chihiro did, only with greater ease, and can apparently cross language barriers easy as pie.
Other Annoying Traits: Just read it. Please.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

" Yo grandma!" Loranne said.

The ladies head suddenly snapped up. " You will not address me as such. My name is Yubaba, head of this bathhouse."

" Well, whatever."

Haku was shocked nobody spoke to Yubaba like that.

" I have no use for waste like you. I am very busy counting my money." Yubaba said.

" They want a job." Haku said.

" What the heck, I don't wanna job." Loranne said.

"Oh, so you don't want to save your parents?" Yubaba asked.

Loranne's eyes widened. " Ok, We'll get a job."

" Ha! After what you did I rather turn you into a lump of coal."

" YOU BETTER GIVES US A JOB!" Loranne shouted. Suddenly the curtain shook.

" Ssssshhhh, be quiet you'll wake my baby." Yubaba said.

Loranne smiled evilly. " Hand me my backpack, sis." Monique gave her sister her pack.

Loranne took out her mini stereo. She turned it max power.

"LIFESTYLE OF THE RICH AND THE FAMOUS. THEY'RE ALWAYS COMPLAININ' ALWAYS COMPLAININ' IF MONEY SUCH A PROBLEM WELL THEY GOT MANSIONS THINK WE SHOULD ROB THEM." All the while Loranne had been singing to the song.

" STOP!" Yubaba shouted. Loranne turned off the stereo. The baby started crying. Yubaba took a few minutes to him calm down.

" Fine. Have a job. Just don't do that again." Yubaba waved her hand and a paper flew at them. Loranne easily caught it. She signed it and handed it to Monique. She signed it as

well. The paper flew back at Yubaba. She read it.

" Hmmmm Loranne and Monique. Interesting." The letters changed. " From now on Monique your name is Ann and Loranne your name is...Lee."

I'm sure the author doesn't know this, but Chihiro's Aburaya name - Sen - is one of the figures that make up the name Chihiro, thus why the one figure remained stuck to the paper. If Yubaba can read, write, and speak English as this fic proposes, I still don't know how Monique could become Ann, much less Loranne becoming Lee.

" Whoa. That's one fat ass baby." Lee said.

"That's Boh, Yubaba's baby."

" Who's the husband?" Lee snickered.

" Play with me!" Boh cried out. " Or I'll cry!"

" So what cry for all I care." Lee said back. "Your mama ain't here."

" She isn't?" Boh said.

" Yeah..." Lee snickered. She went up to the babe. " Yo' mama is so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!" Lee laughed.

To her surprise Boh started laughing too. She sweatdropped.

" You know...that was supposed to be an insult." Lee said.

Boh just kept on laughing.

" Ok... I'll...go over there now." Lee exited the room. Haku at her heels.

" You got that on tape didn't you?" Lee asked.

" Yup."

" Man, what the hell is wrong with you people." Lee said. They went to their room. On Lee's futon she saw a note.

" What the hell!?!"

Lee opened it. It read:

Dear Lee,

We think your cute. Meet us at the Big bath at dawn.

Haku read it over Lee's shoulder with the camera and started laughing. Lee examined the envelope. It read S.W.A.K. She paled.

" Sealed with a kiss...?" She dropped the envelope. "It burns! It burns."

And burn it does.

This one is just overflowing with clichés: random song lyrics, mystical abilities to speak Japanese (or the Japanese now speak English, either one), and apparently believes she is a punk. Rather, I think the proper word is 'annoying.'

Can't rant. Too tired. Sentence fragments.

Godawful Fanfic Rating: 3/6

I'm weary of you, Sue! slaps

Sun, 01 Feb 2004 15:10:35 GMT

Story or Series Title: Spirited Away, Haku and Chihiro's first sight...
Fandom: Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi/Spirited Away
~~Culprit~~ Author's Name: Juggalo Son Pan
Summary: Its been 8 years scince Chihiro had seen Haku, she misses him so much, but one day, Chihiro and her new friends, Fiona, Kyle, Link and Leighlah go on a camping trip up a mountain, Chihiro is lonley and sad...she walks away and finds...* UPDATED* ^o^

Full Name (plus titles if any): Chihiro Ogino
Full Species(es): Angsteh Needy Canon Sue
Hair Color (include adjectives): "Chihiro looks as she always has, only more matured in the face and has grown in everyway..."
Eye Color (include adjectives): See above
Unusual Markings/Colorations: None described
Special Possessions (if any): "...a red spaghetti strap top and dark denium guys jeans...," the hairtie given to her at Swamp Bottom, a group of Sue/Stu friends (including a Saiyajin! The hell?) all with English names even though they're in Japan.

Annoying Origin: Chihiro longs for and angsts after Haku. Formulaic cliché, but it's also eight years after she was in Aburaya - methinks she wouldn't be half as desperate and sobbing-every-other-paragraph after eight years.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Supposed to be Chihiro.
Annoying Special Abilities: Can literally burst into tears every time she thinks of Haku.
Other Annoying Traits: She doesn't give a damn about her parents, apparently, because she's returning to Aburaya without a second thought of anyone other than her beloved Sue/Stu friends. Never mind the fact that the reason she worked at Aburaya in the first place was to rescue her parents.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

"oh..Haku san..." Chihiro sighed and walked to the campsite were they had just arrived as Chihiro was day dreaming. As they set up the campsite Chihiro was in another world, a world of sad memorys and heartache.

Once the tents were set up and everyone was settled, Chihiro walked off by her self.

*flash back*

"Now go Chihiro, go on to the human world, go, and don't turn back." Haku told Chihiro holding her hand. "Go" he said and Chihiro ran off not looking behind, just as Haku had told her.

*end flash back*

"HAKU!!!!" Chihiro suddenly yelled out. Then Kyle and Fiona came holding each others hands. "Chihiro! whats wrong!?" Fiona called out. Chihiro looked at them holding hands. Chihiro turned around and started to cry. Fiona ran up to her and hugged her friend. "What's wrong Chihiro?" Kyle asked. "*sniff* oh nothing! i gotta go for a walk..." Chihro said and ran off up higher up the mountain.

"YES!" Yubaba screamed at Haku as he tried to explain what he think is wrong. "LISTEN please!!" Haku 1/2 yealled at yubaba. "What!" yubaba was getting annoyed, she had tonnes of paper work and and stuff to do.

"I was just going to tell you that 2 of Chihiro..uh i mean Sen's friend seem very suspicious to me..and.." "Yes yes, Link and Leighlah i now them...you both don't understand how old they are what they are, Link is the prince of the saiyan spirits..

*note ..yeah its of DBZ/GT it sounded cooli*

..and Leighlah is his soon to be princess. They have been that age for a very long time and now that they have actually noticed each other from entering the half spirit world, human world, the are noe going to grow and age as u all are..." Yubaba annonced. "Yes..i see...thats why they were having.." chihiro bagan but was interupted by haku.

"Ahem.. we see that now Yubaba, but i was wondering, why do i feel there is evil about them or they might be risk full to come here again?" Haku asked.

"Well, Haku. I see what you mean, but it isn't until their first child, that the evil things happen, that..hopefully, wont be until a very long time from now. But when it happens, im telling you, Haku, to be extremly cautious of them, and their child. That is al i am able to tell you my dears... now run along...i have paper work to do." Yubaba said and shooed them out the room.

"Haku??" Chihiro said with a worried look on her face. "It's ok...i wont be going with you to see your friends, i'll be monitoring them, and keeping DNA, and aroura samples, while i fly around in my dragon form." "But why?" Chihiro said still worried about Haku and her friends. " I'm going to be monitoring them so you and I and everyone here are safe." Haku said, as he transformed and flew off.

"BUT WAIT!" Chihiro yelled out to him, but he was gone. "Oh..my friends..*sniff*" Chihiro began crying as she thought how bad it would be if her best friend, wait no..her boyfriend...soon her lover, be under threat from her newer friends, Liknk and Leighlah.

This one is just horrifically sappy/angsty/bad. The grammar hurts, much less the existence of Sue.

Look, I understand it was more or less confirmed that Haku and Chihiro love each other (whether it's romantic or what can be argued by the audience), but after eight years of not seeing someone, Chihiro feasibly should not be that disturbingly weepy. It's out of character for her and rather unrealistic (I should know; I'm an Air Force brat and we move quite a bit), generally. Some people can move on, some people can't. Chihiro's personality is such that she can move on and live successfully without Haku.

Godawful Fanfic Rating: 4/6

A mediocre Sue. shrugs Meh.

Sat, 31 Jan 2004 17:03:10 GMT

This one's really not that bad, just overwhelmingly melodramatic. Were there more than the one chapter, it would probably score a higher GFR.

Story or Series Title: Seven Days to Live
Fandom: Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi/Spirited Away
~~Culprit~~ Author's Name: Lily03
Summary: Chihiro's dying....with only seven days to live... (Return of the abused ellipses! This fic is kinder to them, though.)

Full Name (plus titles if any): Chihiro Ogino
Full Species(es): Disease-Ridden Canon Sue
Hair Color (include adjectives): Not described
Eye Color (include adjectives): Not described
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Swollen legs (on occasion)
Special Possessions (if any): An unknown disease as well as a heart condition.

Annoying Origin: Had a heart attack at fourteen (which I know is possible, but this is where the Sue begins).
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Chihiro, but with a disease.
Annoying Special Abilities: To repeat herself in the narrative.
Other Annoying Traits: So horrifically melodramatic!

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

By the time I was 16, I could no longer go to school. Mother even had to quit her job so that she could take care of me during the day.

I had been to most if not all of the famous and experienced doctors in Japan. Yet none knew what it take for me to regain my health.

Name of the disease you ask? I don’t know. Nor does my many doctors know. It was a new kind of disease that had never been seen before, a illness that there is no cure to.

My parents and I were on the brick of giving up. Then, hope came… as least we thought it was hope. One of my many doctors have came to the conclusion that my illness was actually two disease. I was told that my heart was failing, and that I have about 6 month to live. There’s more. He had been able to locate a donor with a matching heart. Although I knew of the risk of dieing, but I still asked for the heart transfer.

Hope. Yeah right! The heart matched. Yet my body still rejected it. Now, due to my foolishness, my so called hope, I have only half a month to live at the most.

Little by little, I accepted the fact that I was going to die. I wished, oh how I wished… to see him again before I breath my very last breathe.

Biggest complaints would have to be the grammar ("brick"?), the weakness of the story itself, and the cliché idea. If she had a beta-reader, odds on she could improve it beyond disease-of-the-week-cum-Lifetime-special.

Oh, and, once again, simplification of serious real-life matters.

Godawful Fanfic Rating: 2/6

"Call me princess!" --> sporks

Fri, 30 Jan 2004 19:51:40 GMT

Another princess fic. I wish I was joking.

There are about five 'Princess Chihiro' fics, and every single one of them is horrible.

Story or Series Title: Finding Pleasure In The Enemy
Fandom: Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi/Spirited Away
~~Culprit~~ Author's Name: KitKatGirl
Summary: Humans and SPirits are at war. what will happen when the human princess Chihiro is captured and given to the spirit prince Haku as a gift?

You know, someone has got to put a stop to that AU genre. It's plagued Inuyasha, it's plagued Sailormoon, it's plagued PotC (briefly), LotR (consistently), and nearly every popular series ever. I loathe it.

Full Name (plus titles if any): Chihiro "I'm A Bitchy Princess!" Ogino.
Full Species(es): Brave/Defiant Canon Sue (persecuted for her differences, of course)
Hair Color (include adjectives): Not described
Eye Color (include adjectives): Not described
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Will have a scar on her shoulder; has "milky" skin. Please refer to the canon and tell me if Chihiro has milky skin.
Special Possessions (if any): A fiery temper and a brave, unbreakable spirit to face the evils of the Genjotsu! Y'know, like all the other canon Sues out there in the 'slavery equals love' fics.

There's also another minor Sue in the form of Haku's "sister."

Annoying Origin: The princess of the humans, which apparently makes her special; captured by the Genjotsu and given to Haku, prince of the Genjotsu and apparently (as implied) a love-monkey.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Claims to be Chihiro. I'm sure.
Annoying Special Abilities: To face off dragons and bitch at them without quivering! Because we all know how easily Chihiro found it to be a bitch in the movie. </rolling>
Other Annoying Traits: To be the perfect example of a Defiant And Persecuted Sue as well as proof positive why some people should not attempt to write AUs.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

The king stepped down, and a pathway was made for him as he marched up to Chihiro.

"At last, I meet a piece of royalty from Earth," he said, and swept an arm/claw out and around. "Welcome to Genjutsu!"

everybody snickered and muttered gleefully amongst themselves. Chihiro sneered.

"What a wretched place this is!" she spat. "You killed and brought back all of these young children! You hurt my brother terribly! You killed my cousin!" tears came down, though she tried to stop them. She was unable to. "I hate you, dragon-guts! I hate you and your stupid kingdom, and my father will come for me! I will be rescued, and you will be beat!"

the King threw his head back and laughed, along with everybody else.

"Are we crying?" he asked, poked Chihiro's cheek, the one not covered in blood. "Are we scared? Are we wounded? Are we determined? My dear Chihiro, by the time your father figures out you are missing, you will be begging for death." He smirked, showing full white teeth, pointed like a dragons, glistening. "My only dilemma is what to do with you. I would surely love to take revenge for my wife and son. So would many others here as well, I am sure. But I deserve to more." He grasped her chin, claws sinking into her milky blood covered skin. She could lonely see through one eye because the other was closed, caked with blood.

His smirking face grew nearer, but just then there was a pounding on the door, and two guards opened it. a girl, thirteen or twelve, walked in. she looked like the King, partway in her dragon transformation, the same sharp crystal blue eyes. She stopped as she looked around, and stepped over a body polled with blood.

"Father," she said clearly, and everybody (except Chihiro and the King) bowed down low. "I have been searching for you. warriors, was your raid successful?"

there was a loud chorus of "Hai Shoku Hime!"

"Then for that I am glad," she told them, then her attention focused on the King. "Father," she repeated, "Have you forgotten the Prince? He is still in his room, obedient as ever."

The king froze, and dropped Chihiro. She whimpered, tried to get up, but fell on her side, thigh throbbing.

The King and Princess of Genjutsu ignored her.

"Ah, I apologize deeply! Is he here now and well?"

"He is still where you ordered him to be. But that is not what I truly came - what with the excitement and all of today and last night, did you forget your son's birth date? 'Tis tomorrow."

The King swore softly. "How ever could I forget?"

"No need to worry, father, I have already made the necessary preparations. I came only to ask your advice on what to gift him with and for your permission to order the kitchen around a bit."

"You have my permission, of course... as for a gift..." he looked around quickly, then both eyes focused on Chihiro, and he grinned, yanking her up by her ponytail. She yelped. "Give him this, The Princess of Earth."

I'm sure the writer meant the human world (as opposed to the spirit/god world). That or they live in space, which is drifting way too close to a similar breed of Dragonball (Z) AUs.

You know this is leading up to rape/sex/bad smut, as per all the other 'enslaved princess given to enemy prince' fics that have preceded this one.

Granted, I can't really speak from personal experience as to what politics would be like in a war between spirits and humans, but knowing what I do about historical (and current) politics, as well as the clichés that riddle this 'slave=wuff" genre (all of which entail a girl being captured, given to the prince and/or his righthand man, and they screw/rape/etc. until she falls in love), I'm not entirely sure this is logical. I swear it's headed for pointless, graphic sex.

Unsurprisingly, the author's notes take up a third of the entire first chapter, which is also the only chapter considering it hasn't been updated since May 18 of '03. Also unsurprising, knowing the willingness of fandom to read badfic with clichés and Canon Sues (since people apparently believe that because it's a canon character acting Sue-ish, they couldn't possibly be a Sue), she has seventy-six reviews begging her to continue.

*sporks fic savagely*

Godawful Fanfic Rating: 5/6 - or 6/6. I'm middling here; the grammar isn't terrible, though it does stumble, but the characterization, plot, and dialogue are all rather hideous.

[EDIT: Decided on 5/6, though I'm thinking that might have been too harsh. What a time to start shifting back to Good Cop.]

Optimus Prime could kick Sue's arse, no problem.

Thu, 29 Jan 2004 13:30:51 GMT

Someone once said the reason there are so many princesses in fanfiction is because all little girls want to be princesses. Call me weird, but when I was a little girl I wanted to be an Autobot. Optimus Prime kicked ARSE.

Story or Series Title: The Lost Princess
Fandom: Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi/Spirited Away
~~Culprit~~ Author's Name: Cecile Li
Summary: Chihiro's back after 7 years. But once she's back, she meets Sora. WHo IS Sora anyway? And what does she have to do with the Lost Princess of Sky?

I bet I can guess.

Full Name (plus titles if any): Sora (this makes the second Sue reported here whose name could conceivably have been ripped off from Digimon)
Full Species(es): Angsteh Perfect Princess Sue
Hair Color (include adjectives): "...beautiful long brown-black hair that was tied with a knot..."
Eye Color (include adjectives): "...blue, bluer than the sky..."
Unusual Markings/Colorations: "Her face was heart-breakingly beautiful that looked forever magnificent, a picture lost in time..." and "...[h]er skin was paler than anyone’s [Chihiro] had seen..."
Special Possessions (if any): Samplers (of the sewing sort) and Haku's heart and soul.

Annoying Origin: And I quote - “I am … or was a sky dragon of the renowned Sky Kingdom. My father was the advisor of the king, so I was a noble and had access to the royal family. When I was 3, I was sent to be playmates with the Sky Princess, Shiroi Kanna, the white princess of the Sky court. I was Kanna’s best friend.

One day, when Kanna and I were both 16, Kanna fell ill. She was very sick, and was frightened she would die of this terrible malady. The king, Kanna’s concerned father, decided to ask the Shadow Demon, a strong and feared demon, for help.

“They struck a bargain that the demon would heal Kanna but have from her a kiss.” continued Sora, taking a bite of food between each sentence. “Kanna was healed, but at the end of the healing process, Kanna was a human! The king was outraged and was fearful for his daughter for a demon could take a human soul through mouth contact. He told me to take Kanna and escape."...

“When the Shadow Demon found out, his anger was great. He destroyed the Sky Kingdom looking for Kanna and I. I escaped with Kanna, but Kanna was a human baby!

I went all around the Spirit World for the opening to the Human World. I finally found it and brought Kanna into the Human World. I cried for her, but I knew I had to let her go into the Human World, for humans cannot survive in the Spirit World. I left and went to find Yubaba and Zeniba. When I found them, I found out that the Shadow Demon had been vanquished so that only an empty shell lived on. I also learned that the Shadow Demon’s followers were after me in revenge.

I seeked refuge in Yubaba’s bathhouse where I lived unfound. But, the night after you came, Haku discovered a demon around the bathhouse looking for me. We had to leave.

Ploy for audience sympathy? Check. I have to admit my sympathy is for the canon, though.

Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: She's Haku's one twu wuv, Zeniba likes her, and Yubaba likes to use her to kill abusive workers. I weep. No, really, I do.
Annoying Special Abilities: To outshine Chihiro, angst for an entire chapter, and be Utterly Perfect (as well as prove that Chihiro is an ungrateful wretch for not accepting the fact that Haku wuvs Sora and that Sora just wants to be friends).
Other Annoying Traits: OMG HER LYFE IZ SOOo SAD!!!!111

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

Haku closed the door behind Chihiro. The moment the door was closed, Sora sighed.

“What happened, Sora?” Haku glanced at Sora with genuine concern.

Sora sighed. “It’s Hitoro again.” Haku’s eyes widened angrily. “He grabbed my neck and threatened me. I tried out the spell you taught me. It worked a little too well. Instead of just the same bruise he gave me, he’s feeling every bruise, every kick, every hurt he has ever inflicted on me all at once.” She looked away. “He’s in the infirmary right now. The nurses say he might not make it.”

Haku gasped. “What did Yubaba do?”

Tears erupted from her eyes. “She said, ‘Good Job! Thanks for killing him off for me, he was starting to get really annoying.’”

“How is Chihiro reacting to this?” Chihiro heard Zeniba ask.

“Okay, I guess. The move wasn’t too hard” Haku replied.

“Haku, you know very well I’m talking about Sora.” Zeniba scolded gently.

“They’re friends.” Haku replied shortly.

“You love Sora?” Chihiro’s eyes widened enormously at this question.

“I do, but—” By this time, Chihiro had stood upright, flushing immensely, refusing to listen to anymore of their conversation.

“Chihiro?” Sora’s soft voice called out. “What are you doing up so late?”

Chihiro spun around guiltily, effectively bumping her head against the wall. “Ow! I mean, I uh…I couldn’t sleep.” She answered, rubbing her head, barely suppressing her jealousy and anger at Sora. “I…uh…I’ll just go back to my room now. Good night!” As she stalked toward her room, she felt Sora’s beautiful cerulean eyes look quizzically at her.

Muttering about cheating dragons, Chihiro slammed the door ferociously. Her brown eyes fell upon the exquisite candle. She walked toward it, picking it up. She felt the hot flames tickling her cheek. She remembered how, only moments ago, how she had fingered the little sparrow.

A silver tear ran down her cheek, dropping on the flame, dousing it. Full out crying now, she threw the candle at the wall, and ran, sobbing to her bed.

“Haku…” She whispered wretchedly, “Why did you desert me again?”

* * * * * * *

Sora, feeling there was something afoot, opened Chihiro’s door noiselessly. It was completely dark. Sora felt on the table for the candle she had given Chihiro. There was absolutely nothing on the table.

As her eyes grew accustomed to the darkness, she saw Chihiro lying facedown on the bed, sleeping, fresh tracks of tears running down her face. She scanned the room hurriedly.

Suddenly, she saw a blob of wax on the wall across Chihiro. Then, she saw the delicate candle she made for Chihiro. It was snapped in half, little cracks in its entire form. She felt tears accumulate in her eyes. She rushed to the candle, picking it up.

Giving Chihiro one last teary glance, she left as silently as she came.

Formatting unchanged, by the by.

This is perfect formulaic Sue: she outshines the main character, has a tragic past, just wants to be friends, and has the enamored love of the leading male. No surprise that she has eighty-four reviews, and that several people react to the constructive reviews like Superman to kryptonite. ("OMG itz a flame!!!1 Gramer iz bad so go away u meanie!" - with my apologies to those I snark) Having been flamed in the past, I'm amused that so many people take honest to God pleasant concrit as flaming.

I swear to God I need to start a reference site for Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi/Spirited Away, if only for my sanity.

Godawful Fanfic Rating: 4/6

Save me from this FIC.

Wed, 28 Jan 2004 14:54:10 GMT

Story or Series Title: Bring Me to Life
Fandom: Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi/Spirited Away
~~Culprit~~ Author's Name: SlytherinDreams
Summary: Haku questions who he is and why Chihiro means soo much to him after saving her life yet again. *Suicide,Angst*

How many clichés can you spot?

Full Name (plus titles if any): Haku
Full Species(es): Angsteh Haku (and - you guessed it - suicidal Chihiro)
Hair Color (include adjectives): Not described
Eye Color (include adjectives): "...aqua eyes..."
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Not described
Special Possessions (if any): Not described - unless you count the fact that, apparently, him and his 'dragon' self are two separate entities, which violates continuity. I'll argue this, seriously.

Annoying Origin: Haku, but with a supernatural knowledge of American rock music.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: See above, and toss a good measure of bad angst on top of it.
Annoying Special Abilities: See all the above.
Other Annoying Traits: Every line of dialogue he speaks comes from the Evanescence song of the same name. EVERY. SINGLE. LINE.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

At first glance, he saw nothing. The wind moved some leaves around in miniature twisters and aided the trees in their silent dance. Everything else seemed to be still, but then a slight movement on the bridge caught his attention.

Chihiro. If he had managed to push any of his thoughts out of his head, they were now back stronger than ever and he knew exactly what he wanted.

“Without a soul my spirit’s sleeping somewhere cold, until you find it there and lead it back home.” The words were a whisper on Haku’s lips as he watched the girl stare at the water below. Although it was impossible for her to hear him, the dragon part of him picked up every sound from below.

“Wake me up... I can’t wake up....” She whispered to herself, making it obvious to Haku that she still didn’t fully believe everything that had happened.

He wished that he could cry, but it had been too long since he had shed a tear that Haku wasn’t even sure if he remembered how.

“Wake me up inside...” He had no real way of knowing exactly what she felt, but once again, her words struck him like lightning. Call my name and save me from the dark.”

Once again the dragon inside of Haku attempted to block off all emotion. Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath was all Haku could do to stay in control.

But...Haku is the dragon. Haku was the one being cold, not "the dragon inside" because holy shock, Adam West, they only happen to be the same entity.

“Before I come undone, save me from the nothing I’ve become.” He prayed to who ever cared enough to listen.

Meanwhile, Sen had started to cry for her parents like she had already done so many times before. Turning away from the river, she allowed herself to lean against the bridge’s railing as she slid to a sitting position.

Suddenly she stood back up and began to climb the rail.

“Now that I know what I’m without....” She whispered.

Haku’s eyes went wide as he saw this. The images of what she might be fixing to do flashed inside his head and with out a moment of hesitation the dragon became dominant and took to flight just as soon as Sen stepped off the bridge and began to fall.

Moving as faster than he ever had before, the white dragon blindly chassed after the girl as the force of gravity took her closer and closer to her death.

Using his tail, he grabbed hold of her legs and slung her onto his back, where she immediately grabbed hold.

In his mind, Haku somehow knew that he had done this before, but that thought left his mind all most as fast as it had entered.

Landing in the grass near the flower gardens, Haku tossed Sen to the ground and changed back into his normal form. Her eyes were wide with fright as she sat up and stared at him where he lay on his back trying to catch his breath.

Again with the trivializing of serious matters, people? Urgh.

I have a whole mess of complaints against the suicide scene, much less Haku's 'split' personas (they're the same damn person! er, god! *whaps*) and the lyrics. Good God, the lyrics in the dialogue! Throw in the fact that the author used imagery/symbolism ripped straight from the music video, and I'm annoyed.

If any of that was coherent on my part.

Godawful Fanfic Rating: 4/6

Tempted to make it 4/6 just for the lack of dialogue not ripped from Evanescence, but that would've just been mean.

[Edit: Fic is now at a GFR of 4/6 due to popular demand and further consideration.]

Death by ellipses!

Tue, 27 Jan 2004 18:31:50 GMT

Just finished watching Mononoke again - I love the metaphors. And the Ashitaka/San because, er, I'm a romantic.

Story or Series Title: the true emotions (not by Miyazaki's canon, that's for sure)
Fandom: Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi/Spirited Away
~~Culprit~~ Author's Name: Kittenofmystery
Summary: ummm yeah Chihiro is basicly just a little *ticked* off at this whole thing... so she handles it... her way

It says a lot about the American education system when a nineteen-year old can write something this painfully bad.

Full Name (plus titles if any): Chihiro "omgtehangst" Ogino
Full Species(es): "Canon" Sue
Hair Color (include adjectives): Not described
Eye Color (include adjectives): Not described
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Does lengthy "metaphorical" description of Haku ripping her heart out count?
Special Possessions (if any): The bitter chains of abandoned love.

Annoying Origin: Haku never returns for Chihiro, so she angsts and spins poor metaphors. Heavy suicidal imagery, to boot.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Calls herself Chihiro, but yet again there is no plot, and nothing other than heinous exposition to explain how she gets where she is. Which is apparently on the verge of suicide or homicide; the fic is incoherent.
Annoying Special Abilities: To fill entire pages with ellipses. No, I kid you not.
Other Annoying Traits: She angsts, she longs, she's embittered - which could be done well, but isn't. She becomes an Embittered Angsteh Sue-ish figure.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

I close me eyes

And let my breath in

I bring the knife to my throat

And let the hell begin

The blackness is all around me now

It is too late to back down, to end my life soon

I feel all the torture now

Everything is ending now, beneath the full moon

Haku... how could you.... How could you? I trusted you.... I loved you... but you threw away thing away,,,... you didn't keep your promise... and you didn't keep my love..... you lied to me.... I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU!!!

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Not a single period was added or taken out. I'm not joking, either.

i.... I used to love you...... I waited for you.... but you never returned... you broke your promise... Haku how could you.... I used to love you...... I waited for you.... but you never returned... you broke your promise... Haku how could you.... Haku how could you.... how could you.... how could you.... how could you.... I LOVED YOU.... I loved you... I loved you... I loved you........................................................

The concept - Haku never returning for Chihiro - is decent enough, if overused in the fandom (much like "Haku is in teh danger Cihiro must saave him!!!1" or vice versa), but the author's writing makes me cringe. The grammar is bad enough, without the irritating repetition, the awkward and poorly executed imagery, and the friggin' ellipses that interrupt every sentence.

Chihiro herself has become a cliché in this fic: the angsty, weepy, melodramatic (and prone to really, really bad imagery and prose) Sue who has lost true love and though she wishes to push it away, she simply can't.

I don't like people trivializing serious matters with badfic.

Godawful Fanfic Rating: 3/6

I'm feeling lenient after watching Mononoke. Anybody else have a differing rating for this piece?

Mon, 26 Jan 2004 16:21:24 GMT

Fun fact: did you know I read every single word of every single sentence in each chapter of the fics that come up here? I'll need new glasses soon.

Today I present the endless fable of Haku and his evil twin brother, Gary "Meiou" Stu. It's actually quite funny if you're taking certain prescription medicines. Please, wield your sporks at my mark.

Story Or Series Title: changes in life
Fandom: Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi/Spirited Away
~~Culprit~~ Author's Name: misakililin
Summary: this story is adapted frm kohaku river anime princess-chihiro returns back to the spirit world and finds haku and his twin bro meiou

Full Name (plus titles if any): Meiou
Full Species(es): Brotherus bastardus [of the kingdom Stu]
Hair Color (include adjectives): "...his hair was black..."
Eye Color (include adjectives): "...the same alluring emerald green..." [as Haku]
Unusual Markings/Colorations: None described - but his soul is oh so villainously black.
Special Possessions (if any): None that I know of.

Annoying Origin: Created by Zeniba to be a kinder, gentler Haku (like the original was a raging lunatic </sarcasm>), after Zeniba took over Yubaba's bathhouse. The hell? What is with Yubaba leaving the bathhouse to someone else in fanfiction?
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Haku's artificially created twin brother. No idea how the hell that works out, but it's what the All Powerful Stu Writer hath decreed.
Annoying Special Abilities: The ability to warp everyone into a monstrous OOC version of themselves, violate canon, and trick Zeniba into thinking Haku is a horrible rivergod. Not only that, but though he sexually assaults Chihiro and nearly kills Haku, she's beginning to like him in that way, if you know what I mean.
Other Annoying Traits: He "reeks" arrogance and sophistication, kisses Chihiro every time he sees her, sucks up to Zeniba, and in spite of being the evil twin is focused on more than Chihiro or Haku.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

An amusingly poetic line that would sound more in place in high fantasy:

Chihiro's mother closed her eyes and replied, " Can you hear the beautiful and sweet melodious music in the background child? "

And here we go with the Meiou mess:

Meiou smirked, malice in his eyes and said in a cool tone," Haku, were you screaming?"

Glaring unpleasantly at him, Haku tried to keep his tone calm and replied, " There was a female servant, dear brother. Please stop assuming things!" Meiou looked around at the surroundings with shifty eyes. Haku knew he was looking for Chihiro and he replied in a restrained voice, "you didn't think I would drag Chihiro along with me to the bathhouse, with you waiting for a signal, would you? "

Meiou glared dagger eyes at Haku and smirked. " Why dear brother, I was not looking for that human wrench.

He was looking for the human hammer!

I was looking for the source of the problem that made the female servant scream. Why, I was wondering, surely it wouldn't be Chihiro's doing since she's - well-known in the bathhouse?"

Chihiro instantly covered her mouth as she felt the tea cart moving. She peeked through the cloth and saw a servant pushing it down the hall, towards Haku and Meiou. Pulling her head in, she hoped fervently that Haku would notice and stop the servant.

However, Meiou was the one who stopped the tea cart and paused in between the argument to check out some delicious food. He opened the cookie jar and fished out a cookie. "Mmhmm" he smacked his lips and ate the cookie. Haku was alarmed as his eyes shifted to the cart's cloth, but darted back up immediately as he saw Meiou's eyes on him. Meiou's mouth turned into a smirk. " My dearest brother" He threw the cover back on the surface, knocking over the cookie jar. " I did not think you would go through so much trouble. Just for a girl. Let alone a human."

Meiou's hand shot down and grabbed Chihiro by the hair. Yelling in pain, Chihiro was forcefully thrown over Meiou's shoulder. Haku frowned and tried to grab Chihiro, but to no avail. Meiou jumped high into the air and landed onto the brownish wall rail. Within a second, he jumped across the huge opening in the middle to the floor above them and across. Haku sprinted to the railing and looked over. "Chihiro!!!"

"Haku!!" Chihiro yelled back, helplessly tugging at Meiou's shirt to let her go. [Haku and Chihiro sound like lovers who are torn apart and yelling desperately for each other. Hmm]

Meiou continued jumping and prancing around until he reached the elevator. As they got into the elevator, he dropped Chihiro down on the floor. Chihiro was sprawled against the floor. She picked herself up and glared dagger eyes at Meiou. Meiou was shocked for a second with her cold reaction towards him, but twisted his face into a ghost of a smile and grabbed Chihiro by the waist. " You look prettier with the smile you gave to Haku." He touched her cheek tenderly, " Why do you reject me when I am like Haku?" Lowering his head, he dipped in and kissed Chihiro gently on the lips, savouring every moment, savouring her taste.

The writer does have some command of actual description, I'll give them that - albeit description used in disturbing (and unintentionally hilarious) romance novels involving vampires and young maidens who fight the vampire's advances (and then give in anyway, the wusses), amidst some notably clumsy grammar at points. What the hell am I saying: the description is cliché to the point of humor.

Add in some Michelle Branch song lyrics randomly, screw with canon without explaining other than through woefully pathetic exposition, and we've got a winner! A winner for extensive sporkage, that is.

Sporks to the ready!

Godawful Fanfic Rating: 4/6

I can't even string my hatred for this fic together.

Sun, 25 Jan 2004 15:57:32 GMT

Added Summary to the first set of information, as it's worthwhile information. Painful, but worthwhile.

Story Or Series Title: A Game of Soldiers
Fandom: Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi/Spirited Away
~~Culprit~~ Author's Name: Tsunami pheonix
Summary: Chihiro's BACK! with a new name, a new attidude and a promise to seek out. she's BACK! she's BAD! she's a li'l bit PISSED! and her latest job is the best one of all - TORMENTING HAKU! (Saddest thing is that the summary has the best spelling and grammar in the entire thing.)

Full Name (plus titles if any): Cassiopaea Storm, the mercenary formerly known as Sen, the bathhouse worker formerly known as Chihiro Ogino.
Full Species(es): Punkass/"Hardcore" Sue Chihiro
Hair Color (include adjectives): "...[h]er long, chesnut hair was pulled in a high ponytail on top of her haid..."
Eye Color (include adjectives): "...Amber eyes..."
Unusual Markings/Colorations: None described
Special Possessions (if any): "Stylish" clothing that is described in needless detail, and her own possé of Mary Sue friends.

Annoying Origin: For unexplained reasons she was in the quote unquote Shadowlands for years, wherein she grew tough, mean, and hateful towards Haku. Yeah, I'm bashing my head into the wall, too.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: She's supposed to be Chihiro, but she has no remote connection to the actual character; for God's sake, she even has a Mary Sue name now.
Annoying Special Abilities: To warp Yubaba into an über-genki cheerleader-esque woman who greets 'Sen' lovingly and to screw irreversibly with canon, and to make Haku act like Scott "Anal-Retentive" Summers.
Other Annoying Traits: The author is attempting to make her character 'canon' when in fact she's tossed in a Mary Sue of her own creation and called it Chihiro/Sen/Whatever.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

Yubaba's eyes widened amd she froze in shock for a minute, before wrapping her arms around the young woman and hugging her tight.

" You're back! You're back! Oh welcome back Sen!"

Sen looked up at the woman, gasping for breath.

"Yubaba...........lu..ngs.....BREATH!!!"

Yubaba, looking sheepish, let her go.

" Sorry. Wow Sen! how long has it been. you really have grown up! You're a lot different from the dopey brat I remember."

"It's been 14 years, Yubaba, and I think you've gone soft!" She said teasingly.

"Humph! What were you doing in the Shadowlands anyway? You're human, and the Shadowlands are in the East Quadrant of the Spirit World."

Sen's smile dissapated. Her eyes seemed to shine with unshed tears.

" Oh...I....A promise someone made was broken........and I came to find out why........but I ended up in a different part of the Spirit World......"

Suddenly, her face brightened.

"Enough remenicing. The real reason I'm here, is I'm taking some time off fighting and killing, and I decided if I could work here for a few months. not on contract or anthing, just......I miss it here."

Yubaba looked at her misty eyes, and found it impossible to refuse. she nodded.

" But please, Yubaba, don't let people other than you know my real name, or who I am. Not just yet..."

Workers turned and smiled in amusement as their master Haku shot down the corridoors, pursueing his quarry. Cassie skidded to a halt and bolted into the girls' bathing rooms. She collapsed in a heap at the feet of four beanbags, each occupied. Annamaria looked over the edges of her reading glasses at the lump at her feet. She nudged it with her foot. "So!" she said brightly, "how'd it go?". She was wearing brown, flared cordroys(A/Nsp?), and a baggy, offwhite shirt. She wore brown, summer sandles, and she had long, dark hair with even darker eyes.

"Yeah, how did he react?" The ever witty Ebony glnced at her, before going back to chatting with one of the yuna. She had black hair with silver tips, and silvery gray eyes. She wore a black, baby tee, with a purple fallen angel on the back. She had black trackkies that said 'BITCH' in pink writing across the bum. She had purple and silver sneakers.

" It must have been bad; you look like you were running away from death itself!" Remarked the blonde. Lizzi. She had shimmering blue eyes, and she wore a baby blue strap top with 'Soooooo not listening' on the front in pink. She had a baby pink skirt and white sneakers.

Her friend smirked. She had long, dark red hair streaked with black, and black eyes. She wore a red belly top with miffy on it. She had flared, maroon cordroys, and went bare foot. " She probobly was." Said Jess.

Cassie laughed. She was wearing black flared jeans with a emerald and white dragon weaving around one leg (A/N : we can all guess who that is can't we? lol!). She also wore a belly top, only hers was deep purple.

" Hey! You guys! I have an idea. Come here!" said Ebony, beconing them over to the door. They put their ears against the wood. They heard the liquid sound of Haku transforming, and then the whoosh of him flying through the roof. " Quickly!" she said beconing them out of the door. they left the door open and hid behind it in the corridoor. They placed their hands on the handle of the door, ready to slide it back.

With a mighty roar, Haku stormed through the window. "NOW!" yelled Ebony. Just as he was coming towards them, they slid the door shut. *SMACK* . . . *THUD*. The girls all laughed and cheered. " C'mon " gasped Jess, and they all staggered down the hall, laughing their heads off.

In the immortal words of many a Sue reporter at deleterius: I shit you not.

That is an actual fanfic at FFN. It has 25 reviews, the entirety of which are in praise for it; the two that offer any constructive criticism still praise Tsunami pheonix for her daring and new direction with this character. One, Chihiro was pretty damn cool in the movie canon; two, this "daring and new direction" has been plaguing Hermione Granger for years.

This is the worst fanfic I have read period in the past year. The grammar, spelling, tone, sentence structure, characterization, plot, and the canon are all butchered beyond recognition or nonexistent.

Godawful Fanfic Rating: 6/6 - congratulations, Tsunami pheonix, your fic is the first fully Godawful Fanfic here. I even considered raising the rating to 7/7, just for you.

Note to potcsues, if you're out there - don't know if you've already covered this, but she also has one hideous PotC Mary Sue here.

*sporks self*

Maylo...Mayo...Mayonnaise?

Sat, 24 Jan 2004 16:10:40 GMT

Weatherman said it would snow - I see no snow outside. Jerk.

Story Or Series Title: Illousa's Dragon
Fandom: Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi/Spirited Away
~~Culprit~~ Author's Name: Sakura-Maylo-G
Summary: It's been 5 years since Chihiro as been to the Spirit world. Now she heads back with her best friend Maylo. But when they get there, Haku is going crazy! Can Chihiro stop him? Or will Illousa win in the end? CHAPTER 9 UP! CHAPTER 10 COMING SOON!

Full Name (plus titles if any): Maylo (note author's name, then please question whether Maylo is, in fact, a Japanese name and not a poorly spelled condiment)
Full Species(es): Bestest Fwiend!Sue (with "enigmatic" powers to boot!)
Hair Color (include adjectives): "...long black hair was in a low ponytail and when it caught the sunlight it looked like it was a deep purple..."
Eye Color (include adjectives): "...bright blue eyes..." [as of chapter nine, they are "...golden with cat like slits..."]
Unusual Markings/Colorations: As of chapter nine, "...[s]mall cat ears (except they looked like InuYasha's ears) sat on the top of her head..." As well as claws, and enough description to make it obvious the author's ripping off directly from Inuyasha.
Special Possessions (if any): A blue backpack with a dolphins-and-ocean pattern. Oh, and a ninja suit. Why, I do not know. Because itz teh r0xorz!!!11! I presume.

(I want to know why, exactly, the Mary Sues/Gary Stus get more physical description than the actual canonical characters. If Chihiro is older, as is Haku, then how precisely have they changed, as opposed to the multitude of paragraphs detailing Maylo-the-condiment's every wardrobe change?)

Annoying Origin: She's a priestess who trains with her grandfather and is also apparently a demon/assassin of some sort. Has many issues stemming from the fact that she accidentally locked a pregnant woman in a butcher's freezer and the infant died. ...Words fail me.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: She's Chihiro's bestest friend in the WHOLE world, and the only person who believes Chihiro's tale about the spirit world!
Annoying Special Abilities: Can pick any and every lock they come across, is an amazing martial artist, is in perfect physical shape, and knows everything.
Other Annoying Traits: She's the source of character angst in the story and is all but admitted as being the story's main character.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

"It’s locked. And I don’t know any other way to the bridge without someone seeing us. Time to re-plan."

"No way! We’re fine! Move over," Maylo said as she pushed Chihiro aside and grabbed a long thick rope out of her bag. She tied one end of the rope to the door’s handle then grabbed the other and pulled as hard as she could. After a moment the door slowly creaked open. Chihiro ran forward and pulled the door open the rest of the way.

"Where did you learn that Maylo?" asked Chihiro as Maylo held the door open while she ran to the other side.

Maylo hesitated before answering, "Before I moved in with Grandpa, I worked for Mrs. Tomoyo at the butcher shop. One day, Mrs. Tomoyo got locked in the freezer. The shop was closed and the police and hospital were five miles away. The phone had broken the day before so there was no way I could contact anyone. I tried everything I could to open the door. Finally, I tried that rope trick and it worked. But Mrs. Tomoyo was pregnant and her baby died from the cold. I blamed myself for the baby’s death so I left. Grandpa found me praying at the shrine and that’s when I found out he was my grandpa."

"Oh Maylo... I’m sorry."

"It’s okay. That was a long time ago. In my past... so now what?"

"C-cassie?" Maylo whispered; she found she had lost her voice. Suddenly, Cassie's eyes snapped open. She slowly landed on her feet and turned towards Maylo. Her eyes were dark and an evil smile crossed her face.

"Hello Maylo. Good to see you. I need to go now," and with that Cassie turned and started to walk away.

"Wait a minute!" Maylo cried, "What just happened? Did you scream? Who was that on the sphinx?"

"Too many questions. I have a job to do. And if I don't do it, Master Ill-" Cassie was cut off. She clutched her throat when she found she couldn't breath nor speak.

"Cassie!" Maylo rushed over and dropped her bow and arrow, "Are you okay?"

"Master Illo-" Cassie tried again.

'I've got to tell her. She can save me. She's a priestess,' thought Cassie as she tried once again, "Master Illo-ah!"

'No my dear,' came Illousa's voice, 'You are my puppet. I shall not let you ruin my plan. Say another word and I will kill you on the spot. Now shut up and leave! You have a job to do.'

"Yes. master." Cassie said as she got her breath back.

"Cassie are you alright? What happened? Are you okay? Do I need to call Baby?" Maylo asked as Cassie started breathing again. Suddenly, Cassie stood up and pushed Maylo away.

"Get out of my way. Like I said, I have a job to do. And if anyone interferes they shall die!" Cassie said as she turned to leave (again).

"Wait!" Maylo cried. Cassie turned around only to find a arrow pointed at her chest. Cassie looked from the arrow to Maylo and almost gasped. Maylo's eyes were set, lips pursed, jaw set. She was ready to fire the arrow at any second.

Cassie gulped then said, "Maylo, you think a simple arrow can strike me down? Besides, you wouldn't shoot me even if you had to."

"You can't be to sure about that. And besides, you are not the real Cassie. I could shoot you if I want."

"I'm not the real Cassie? What makes you think that?"

"Because the real Cassie would have broken down by now. Crying and spilling out everything. But you, you started to which means you almost let the real Cassie show. But you're leader, the rider of that sphinx, wouldn't let you even say their name. They have something to hide. And you're going to tell me what."

"I will? I don't see it in my future. And I don't see me telling you in your future so that mean's I'm not supposed to tell." And with that, Cassie disappeared.

That logic almost hurts.

Maylo stood there, arrow ready to strike, for a full minute before she let the arrow go and it hit (rather hard) a tree. Maylo fell to her knees.

'Cassie isn't the bad guy. This 'Master Illo' is. She's controlling her. And Cassie was almost able to say her whole name. She's a strong witch. Stronger than I thought. But she's right. I wouldn't shoot her; couldn't shoot her. And now my best friend hates me and we have an evil sorceress on the loose. Oh what am I going to do?!" And Maylo wrapped her arms around her knees, and for the second time since she was little, cried.

For those smart enough not to read this fic, Cassie herself is a minor Sue - she's a bratty child in love with Haku who makes Chihiro's life miserable; but never fear! Maylo chastises her! The biggest strike against this fic is that it's both incomprehensible and practically stars the Sue. *sporks*

Haven't been this irritated since DC cancelled Young Justice.

Godawful Fanfic Rating: 5/6

Somebody out there, kill this. Please.

My eyes hurt like HELL.

Fri, 23 Jan 2004 22:34:12 GMT

Apologies for any nastiness in this review; I've been reading far too much badfic today. Today's "official" Sue report can be found here.
--

Jailbait Gary Stu, anyone? Good Lord, I didn't even know Haku yaoi existed until soraphilia suggested this abomination to decent writing. It has already been covered here by the esteemable Irony-chan, which is why this one will not be linked to Mary
Sues.

Is it a good thing or a bad thing that I have two Sue/Stu reports up in one day? Because it won't happen again. ><

Story Or Series Title: Forbidden Love
Fandom: Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi/Spirited Away
~~Culprit~~ Author's Name: Lisa.W
Summary: When Chihiro dies she sends her son to the Spirit world so Haku can take care of Matt. What if Matt starts to have feelings for Haku, and what if Haku feels the same but can't because of the rules. Yaoi

Full Name (plus titles if any): Yamato "Matt" Green. That's...one sad Japanese name right there.
Full Species(es): Stuius offspringius
Hair Color (include adjectives): Black. And apparently he's a pale, pale boy, which leads me to have all sorts of horribly amusing thoughts about The Matrix. Why? Because I'm off-topic.
Eye Color (include adjectives): "...stormy blue eyes..." As opposed to a quiet tide, I'm sure.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: None. But I'm sure if you shaved his head you'd find a suspicious 666 number there.
Special Possessions (if any): If the author had continued, Haku's body. Fortunately, she did not. Also possesses a medallion with a picture of dragon Haku and Yubaba inside; somehow, I think the proper term is a 'locket.'

Annoying Origin: Assuming he is not, in fact, demon spawn, he is the son of Chihiro and some random man whose name is never given. Apparently he is now an orphan as the ghost of his mother informs him his dad will be kicking the bucket soon. Aw. *sporks*
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: The son of Chihiro, who does everything his mother did.
Annoying Special Abilities: The ability to make my brain feckin' hurt, that's what. Also the uncanny ability to remind everyone of Chihiro, including Haku which, hey, is only slightly creepy. It's only the son of Haku's ONE TRUE LOVE. Not that I'm angry.
Other Annoying Traits: He basically only exists to provide hot gay sex for the writer's pleasure. (Direct quote from her profile: Haku/Any guy. That's the Spirited Away couple she supports, as opposed to the canon one.)

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

Matt looked in the mirror, the bronze medallion around his neck was hard to miss with his pale almost ivory white skin as background. It was shaped in the form of a crescent moon and there were some carvings in it. His mother had told him never to open it, it was a good luck charm but once you opened it you would go to the spirit world and you couldn't come back.

The black haired boy had opened it once, when he was smaller. Inside he had seen a large white flying dragon and a very old woman with grey hair. When his mother saw he had opened it she got mad at him and told him never to open it again.

He splashed his face with water and left the bathroom. He opened the large white door and saw his father sitting on a bench, his head burried in his hands and his body slumped. "Father," Matt breathed and knelt down in front of the man. "Did you had anything from the doctor?"

"No Matt, I didn't," He looked at his only son. "What if she dies?
Chihiro can't die."

Matt shook his head. "She won't..." Matt said, and tried to tell himself he was right. But was he? Would his mother get better. The pale boy looked up when he saw white pants and black shoes next to him. The doctor looked down at him, glasses were resting on his nose, making him look old.

"We tried everything we could, but she left us."

Matt blinked a couple of times, his mouth hanging open partly. Then he looked at his father and got up, he was shaking and tears were streaming down his cheeks. He shook his head. "No, your lying." He told the doctor who was looking at the ground.

"I'm sorry."

"No!" Matt screamed and ran away from them, and away from the hospital. He didn't stop running until he was in a unfamiliar place. The black haired boy looked around and frowned, pushing the tears away. "Mother..." He whispered and looked around. "You can't leave, not like that." He fell down on the ground and pulled his legs close to him, leaning his forehead on his knees.

Haku didn't even look up at her but did what she asked and sat down, his eyes following every movement Yama made while he was working. He didn't even notice that Lin had left.

Yama felt someone's eyes on him and it was getting on his nerves, he didn't dare to look at the person afraid it would be Yubaba and she would fire him. So he kept working, feeling eyes burn in his back while he cleaned the whole room.

Haku was fascinated by the human. Yama and Chihiro were very much alike and somehow that made him uncomfortable. He remembered how easily it was to like Chihiro and to fall in love, if it was love, with the girl. Somehow he didn't doubt that it wouldn't be hard to like Yama, but falling in love wasn't possible. Haku shifted, what if he did fall in love with the boy? Yubaba would kill both him and Yama, it was against every rule and not only in the spirit world.

A sigh escaped from Yama's parted lips and he turned around, glad he could finally see the person who had been staring at him for a very long time. He frowned when he saw Haku and walked over to him, he knelt down and smiled at the brunette boy. "Haku, how are you?"

Haku looked up, the ghost of a smile playing on his pale thin lips. "Fine..." He said.

"I'm fine to, thanks for asking." Yama grinned, sitting down beside Haku.

The brunette looked at Yama and then he looked at his hands. "I'm sorry..." Haku got up, ready to leave.

"Don't!" Yama said, grabbing Haku's hand. "Don't leave, please."

"People can't see us like this, they might think I'm helping you," Haku said, pulling his hand away from the boys grip. "If you want to talk, which you do, meet me where we first met."

Yama nodded, smiling up at the brunette before Haku left.

There are so many violations of canon in this that it's not remotely excusable; everyone is out of character (especially Haku!) and Yamato/Matt/Yama/Whatever is just such the stereotypical wuff-me-I'm-pretty yaoi Stu. He literally only exists because the writer cannot stand the concept of Haku being a heterosexual male that - gasp! - was in love with a girl.

"OMG grlz hav cooties!"

No, but this fic certainly does.

Then, of course, there is the horrid sentence structure, including run-on sentences, unintentionally hilarious typos, and grammatical errors left and right.

Godawful Fanfic Rating: 5/6 - would be 6/6, but she never finished. I'm actually relieved at this point.

Sorry not to be a squealy fangirl, but I must be honest. I see no point of this fic other than to pawn off a cute (and *straight*) guy in a yaoi relationship for no reason in particular. Yaoi doesn't automatically make a story bad, but it doesn't automatically make it *good,* either.

Additionally, with Spirited Away's decided lack of shounen-ai (which should indicate something), the introduction of an original character presents an important burden on you. Namely, this character must be *developed,* and have *reasons* for doing the things he does, and not just following the demands of the plot. This Matt (Yamato?) fellow just isn't. He's not even a Gary-Stu; he's just a warm body.

If you want yaoi and shounen-ai, go read/watch Gravitation or Yami no Matsuei or Tokyo Babylon or FAKE or something. But please, please, for the love of God, leave Spirited Away alone.

(Don't take this as a personal insult; I just have a few things I think you need to keep in mind.)

God bless you, The Blackened Rose. *salutes*

Only minor note of relief? Supposedly she's eighteen. Still a horrible read.

Fri, 23 Jan 2004 17:53:35 GMT

This is either incredibly bad characterization or an astoundingly awful Stu. Scratch that - it's just hideous.

Story Or Series Title: Spirited Back
Fandom: Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi/Spirited Away
~~Culprit~~ Author's Name: ecco-of-slytherin
Summary: Chichiro has a lonely life...until she follows her heart back to Haku...who's drunk -

Full Name (plus titles if any): Kohakugawa, but that's canon. I prefer 'Gary Stu masquerading as Haku,' but hey, that's just me. Bleedin' imposter.
Full Species(es): Drunken Sex Fiend!Haku. No, I'm not kidding.
Hair Color (include adjectives): "the same hair as well" (or, canon: blue/grey)
Eye Color (include adjectives): None described (canon: green)
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Scars on his back (omgtheangst!)
Special Possessions (if any): Apparently large amounts of sake.

Annoying Origin: Beer night at the local bath-house! Well, no, but that's the only thing I can come up with that will keep me from crying.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Somehow manages to seduce Chihiro, even though he's both imbibed and filthy.
Annoying Special Abilities: To get drunk while running Yubaba's bath-house (the hell?), breaking glass bottles, passing out on Chihiro, and seducing her the next morning.
Other Annoying Traits: The utter ruining of all I love aside, he's also slightly creepy, in that "what the hell did you do with Haku?" way.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

He could smell something wonderful.yet strange. His head ached as he held it in his hands. *I had another dream..about her..* He looked up and saw the blurry outline of someone.a female.sitting beside him. She giggled at Haku as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. "Chichiro?! You're here?!" She nodded. "Someone had to take care of you last night." He blushed, thinking about how strange it must have been for her to see him like that. "Anyways, I made you breakfast, it's eggs and toast. I know you're not used to this food, but it's one of the only things I know how to cook." Haku cautiously nibbled on a slice of this 'toast' food, and was impressed. He hungrily ate what was before him and smiled at Chichiro. "You may have a shower here, if you like.there are many private bathrooms here. Take your time" Chichiro smiled and thanked Haku as he opened one of the doors for her.

Chichiro sighed. The warm water flowing down her back made her relax. She was quite nervous around Haku. Six years of fantasy, of love, of..impure thoughts *giggle*. Chichiro blushed. He was so handsome.his eyes seemed to look into her soul. She shuddered and smiled to herself.

Meanwhile, Haku remembered that Chichiro didn't have any towels.he summoned two soft towels, and walked into the bathroom where Chichiro was.and dropped them. There she was.the woman from his thoughts and fantasies.naked. Chichiro make a strange noise and wrapped her arms around her, avoiding eye-contact. Haku picked up the towels and wrapped one around her blushing body. "Why are you so shy? I think you look beautiful." His eyes bore into hers. Chichiro's lip trembled as she spoke.barely as whisper.. "Haku, can I was your back?"

Resisting grammatical joke.

Haku entered the shower first, nervous and feeling jumpy. He turned the water on and soon felt Chichiro's hands scrubbing his back. She looked in wonder at the small scars on his back. *From the time he almost died* She thought. Her thoughts were broken as she heard a deep moan escape Haku's lips. She blushed furiously and coughed softly. Haku smiled to himself. "So.you are as nervous as I am." They both laughed a little. Haku slowly turned himself around, his long dark hair soaked from the water. He looked shyly into Chichiro's eyes and smiled. "I'm glad you came back. I..we all missed you." Chichiro bowed her head.then suddenly looked up.*ok girl.don't look down! For the love of the gods..DON'T LOOK DOWN!* She met Haku's gaze and saw some hidden emotion in his eyes.love? Yes, that was there.but something else..lust.

No punctuation was changed.

And that's not even getting into the reviews, all of which are fawning and "rite more soon!!1!" in drift (including a rather ironic review saying the lemon in chapter four was good).

Please, ecco, don't write more soon - save the children.

Chihiro is oddly OOC and Sue-ish in this fanfic as well, not that I'm terribly surprised. Also note that the writer couldn't decide between using 'Lin' or 'Rin.' It literally changes in the middle of a paragraph. The exposition is horrible as well - it all but has the frog-men (who apparently speak in a collective voice now) start with, "As you may know, Chihiro..."

It hurts.

Godawful Fanfic Rating: 5/6

Suicide as a blatant plot device? Urgh.

Fri, 23 Jan 2004 02:20:22 GMT

I was planning on saving this for tomorrow, but after actually reading it in its entirety, there was no way I was going to let it torture me as I slept.

Story Or Series Title: Four Memories
Fandom: Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi/Spirited Away
~~Culprit~~ Author's Name: Pazu the Magician
Summary: Rating for suicide, nothing more. Besides the blood in the first scene, this whole fic is PG. It's a new style of Spirited Away fic, not the old "Chihiro Returns" fic.

Full Name (plus titles if any): Chihiro "No One Loves Me" Ogino.
Full Species(es): Suicidal!Chihiro
Hair Color (include adjectives): None described (canon: brown)
Eye Color (include adjectives): None described (canon: black)
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Instantaneous scarring on the inside of her foot, the back of her leg, her wrist, and her neck.
Special Possessions (if any): Her father's razor and, one would predict, Haku's tender loving heart.

Annoying Origin: Chihiro doesn't belong in the human world anymore! This is blatantly exposed in the first sentence and without any character information or explanation as to why, Chihiro attempts to kill herself.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: She's a suicidal, angst-ridden version of Chihiro desperate to return to the spirit world, because no one understands her - you can smell the Sue coming a mile away.
Annoying Special Abilities: Can apparently regenerate lethal amounts of lost blood and grow 'old' scar tissue in minutes.
Other Annoying Traits: It's Chihiro. Committing suicide. How much you want to bet Haku shows up and saves her from the depths of horrible depression?

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

Chihiro sat, glumly, in her room. She was always either mad, gloomy, or downright depressed these days. She missed the world she felt as if she belonged to.
She decided to take matters into her own hands. Perhaps, if she was dead, she could return.
She got up, went to her washroom, and took a deep breath. She picked up a razor-sharp blade her father had carelessly left on the sink and stared at it blankly.
"How will I do this?" She didn't want to just cut her wrists: she thought it would take too long for the blood to flow out. As she held the blade, she nicked her finger with it. "Ow!" she exclaimed. The blade fell to the ground, slicing into the side of her foot. She was bleeding freely now. "Might as well just do it and get it over with."
She picked up the blade from the ground and slashed herself in the back of the leg; blood poured out. She cut her right wrist, blood all around her. Finally, she slid the blade gently across her neck and blood spattered the mirror. She began to feel drowsy.
Her head smacked very hard into the wall as she passed out.

She woke up, drenched in blood. The mirror, sink, and floor were slippery with her life. She felt scars on her neck, wrist, and leg, but they were old, as if they had existed for a long time. She recognized all of the voices in her dream. But had forgotten who they all were. Her mind seemed to be wiped, and she knew that she had to find all four of them in order for her to be happy again. She needed to know. She remembered a bathhouse. She had to return there first.

Overlooking the inutterably butchered fact that Chihiro cannot possibly be alive - unless we're verging into major Canon Sue/deux ex machina territory here - after having sliced her foot, her leg, her wrist, and her neck, the characterization is hideous. Why is she depressed? We know she wants to go back to the spirit world, but there's no character development whatsoever. (I sincerely doubt anyone could logically write Chihiro attempting suicide anyway.)

Additionally, I have to raise an eyebrow at the description of the attempted suicide. No matter how apathetic you feel, or how much you want to die, there is going to be intense agony cutting yourself in the places she did: they're some of the most sensitive parts of the human body.

You just know Haku will show up and make everything better, because true love is all about melodrama and demeaning characters. [/snark]

Godawful Fanfic Rating: 5/6

Hullabaloo!

Thu, 22 Jan 2004 20:45:37 GMT

Been attempting to locate an Older Sister/Goth!Sue in the Spirited Away section at FFN that I particularly loathe, but this less than mediocre one will do for a first report.

Story Or Series Title: One and Only
Fandom: Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi/Spirited Away
~~Culprit~~ Author's Name: soul
Summary: story entirely different from the movie. yubaba was chihiro's mother, and she wants chihiro to marry a rich guy who was 11 years older than her. Chihiro was reluctant , so WHO will save her from this marriage???

Full Name (plus titles if any): Purportedly Chihiro Ogino, but I have my doubts. In the fic, she's called Sen in the first chapter, and then Chihiro throughout the rest. Considering she's Yubaba's child in this, I think we're observing poor story planning.
Full Species(es): AU Angst!Chihiro
Hair Color (include adjectives): Not described (canon: brown)
Eye Color (include adjectives): Not described (canon: black)
Unusual Markings/Colorations: None
Special Possessions (if any): Remarkably, none - as of April 15, 2003, thankfully when this was last updated.

Annoying Origin: Yubaba's abused daughter to be given away in marriage so as to pad Yubaba's pockets. Oddly enough, Yubaba pampers both Rin (who is also her daughter in this bizarre AU) and Boh, but not Chihiro. Sue needs character angst, after all.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Yubaba's daughter, raise your eyebrow if you will. Claims to be Chihiro - but is, in fact, not.
Annoying Special Abilities: Other than to angst and sigh in pathetic, weepy melodrama? No, seriously, it reads like a bad soap opera.
Other Annoying Traits: Her life is such a horrid, horrid mess and everybody hates her. All this and she violates canon!

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

" Of course not!! Mother, I would never do that sort of thing!! I would never disgrace you nor ruin the reputation of the Minamino family!! Please believe me!!" Sen looked at her stepmother in the eyes, hoping to convince her. She would not want to get another good beating from her.

If Sen had not looked her in the eyes, she might have been spared the beating, but unfortunately, her look was misinterpreted by Yubaba as a stare and her haste in trying to defend herself as open defiance, and this got her angry.

" How dare you to speak back? Have you got no manners?? Have you forgot who is the one who have been looking after you, you brat!! Fine, I'll teach you manners right this moment!!" With that, she stomped over to Sen and raised her hand, dragging Boh along with her.

Knowing that saying anything is as good as provoking her, Sen remained silent, shut her eyes tight and waited for the blow to come. She cowered in fear of the pain. But the blow never came. Sen waited. Nothing happened. She opened her eyes to a small slit and peeked. Yubaba's hand frozen in mid air, her head turned to the entrance of the basement.

" The lord had arrived, mother. If you beat Chihiro now, I'm sure that the gentleman will be concerned for his bride-to-be and asks of many questions which you might find it awkward to answer." Rin said calmly.

" Lead him into the house. And you, you should be glad that your future husband had arrived just in the nick of time to save you. You should be grateful to him." Yubaba scowled and said.

"And to express your gratitude, you should gladly marry him as repay." Boh added, and this brings a smile to Yubaba's face.

" Good boy!! My dear son!!" Yubaba hugged Boh tight as they exited, leaving a very unhappy Sen standing there in the basement alone.

Not half as blindingly terrible as some of the stuff out there, just incomprehensible. Yubaba spoils Boh rotten and never showed any urge to actually abuse anyone, so why would she abuse her AU daughter? Secondly, I'm wondering where Haku is; he should be apprenticed to Yubaba, but I'm assuming it has something to do with whatever the plot was supposed to be. Thirdly, it's simply just a mess, both grammatically (which I will be lenient with, as English isn't her first language) and canonically.

Unsurprisingly, she also has an Elrond/Mary Sue fanfic under her name.

Godawful Fanfic Rating: 3/6